The World According to Panchito Pistoles
by Nothing Really Specific
Summary: A new comedy series about opinions on life, popular culture, society, and advice told by Panchito Pistoles.
1. Valentine's Day

_**The World According to Panchito Pistoles**_

**Theme Song for this series:** "Coming of Age" by Foster the People

**(It's on YouTube if you want to listen to it.)**

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**Topic #1: ****Everything Wrong With Valentine's Day**

**Sad Day and Sweetheart Candies:**

Valentine's Day is stupid.

Essentially, it's a time for you and your amour to publically announce your love for each other, but that's not why this 'holiday' is stupid. It's stupid because has anyone ever thought about the single people?

They don't get a day to themselves, oh wait, they do, and you know what day that is? Sad Day.

Sad Day. Wow, what a sad, boring, and unappreciative title. Sad Day, it's just...sad.

Really, it stands for Single Awareness Day. It's also on Valentine's Day. Guess what I am right now? Fucking single. I don't get a card, I don't get a box of chocolates or those disgusting chalk candies that are probably toxic to the body that profess your 'love'. I really have a Sad Day.

Seriously, what's in those things? Is it acid? Arsenic? Some type of weird LSD that the hipsters have come up with? We don't know. And if you say that you do, then you really don't. If you say that they are made with love, then you are retarded. Really? It's the most cheesy piece of shit I've ever eaten. If your love for me comes in a little purple heart shaped PIECE OF CHALK then just take a picture of the damn thing cause I don't want it and basically if you do send me one of those, then you must want me to die or experience fifteen seconds of chalk filled horror. Repeat: NO CHALK CANDY. Let me explain:

When I eat this candy with the 'I Love You' and the 'Be Mine' on it, I get that awful taste in my mouth. You know what it tastes like? Chalk. You know, the stuff that you draw with on the sidewalk and on blackboards (or used to back in my day, you know when you actually learned shit in school), that stuff tastes like my tire, I know that tires are rubber, and that rubber is not the same consistency of chalk, but the feeling is just as horrible, you know why? Because IT'S CHALK. But I think I figured it out. I think I figured out why this stuff is horrible. It's not just the fact that it tastes like chalk, it's the fact that it's made by the same company who came out with the biggest failure in human history. Necco Waffers. Otherwise known as: The Sidewalk Candy Company. Moving on to chocolates.

**Chocolate:**

Chocolate, my favorite Valentine's Day gift. I have no problem with this.

**Cards:**

Cards are written by seven year olds with no capacity to form a sentence. "I Love You" and "Hope You Have a Good Valentine's Day" are nice and sweet and all but please people, come up with some romantic from your corazón. It doesn't have to be some lame speech that you copied from the Glee script, or a even lamer love ultra cliché speech from a Disney Channel show.

I know that they are ultra cliché because I work there and these people can't write anything meaningful. Cookie cutter. That's what we are, a cookie cutter company who makes the same show with the same characters who have the same dialogue but just call it by a different name: Austin and Ally, Good Luck Charlie, A.N.T. Farm (really?), and Jessie (the worst idea ever with the worst theme song ever. Seriously, it was written by a six year old. That's what we're reduced to people, if you love me at all, which I hope you do, you would save me from this hellhole.)

We should just change our name to Kebbler. I wonder if that elf is hiring?

**Love Songs:**

My advice for my English speaking amigos is pick any song in Spanish.

Here's why:

1. It's a Romance Language (meaning that you could be cussing somebody out, but it would still sound beautiful and romantic, I know because that's how I got married).

2. If the other person speaks English and you sing a song in Spanish, you can pretty much say afterwards that it was about 'my ultimate love for you' when really it was about beer or something like that and they will believe you. They're not going to take time to fact check you because it's Spanish, the world's most sexiest language (I'm biased okay, sue me).

3. If they do fact check you, you better make sure it's a love song.

4. Rose + Spanish Guitar (you want to be authentic) + Any Spanish Song with a Spanish Guitar that involves you having to do long vowels (a, e, i o, u, y)= insert whatever you want here.

If you do happen to go for something original, say, like me, then you can be cheesy. If that person really loves you, then they will take whatever they can get.

Go for the love song!

If you need a best man, call Jose, you know what, he's more qualified to do this, he's Brazilian and knows about this stuff. He is a marriage counselor after all. Hey José!

José: Si?

Can you do this?

José: Do what?

I'm trying to tell people all the stuff that's wrong about Valentine's Day.

(José, who was visiting me anyway, walks over to computer screen and looks at what I have so far)

José types:

_Valentine's Day does not require anything else but love. That's basically what it is. It's not a stupid holiday, it's just a holiday that is overcomplicated, thereby making it 'stupid'. Don't overdo it. A card, a box of chocolates, a nice dinner all that will be fine. Don't overspend either. You don't need to go to Olive Garden. A taco place will be fine. If you're single, then follow Panchito's advice (which is pretty good) just don't overdo it. And ONLY get down on the knee and produce the gold on ONE CONDITION ONLY: Please make sure that both of you are ready. There's nothing worse than proposing and getting a rejection on Valentine's Day because you decided to be a wolf and go for it when she (or he, women can propose too) isn't ready. _

_Also, don't watch Blue Valentine, it's depressing but, it can be used as a "What Not to Do" guide for people who are married or people who are considering it._

Thank you José.

José: No problem.

I wanted to talk about dating, but José just covered it.

I want to mention one more subject that I see happen every Valentine's Day:

**The Rom-Com Cliches:**

Your life, your romance, is not _The Notebook._ No matter how much you want it to be, it's not. Let me explain:

If you have one of those best friends who are just weird, and make jokes about your relationship because they are in love with your girlfriend too. That's called a love triangle, however, it's often known in the film business as the Quirky BFF. If you are a journalist (or work) and fall in love on the job then this is called the Rom-Com movie. Do you often walk in the rain after a fight with your amour? Do you cry, eat ice cream, listen to depressing music? Then you are having a lonely montage. Watch every single Rom-Com ever. There is one in there. Please do not, for the sake of us all, follow your amour to their house with a boombox, showing up at their door, and being a stalker, will have you singing "What Was I Thinking?" in five minutes. Do you have a relationship where your lover doesn't support you and you feel like that you need to have a moment? Really, talk please. If you actually believe that you can live in say, New York City, and run into the same person, i.g. your lover, every single day and as the days go by have a relationship then you are living in the Coincidence Cliche. You are not in _Lost in Translation_. You are most likely a miles away from each other and see each other every so often maybe a few times every few weeks but not a few times every week. Be realistic here people. Another thing is that the rain does not make your relationship better. Every single Rom-Com does this. Kissing in a lighting storm is just stupid- you get wet, you get cold, hypothermia, ammonia, the list goes on people. If you do have to kiss, then do it inside. The mad dash is common in Rom-Com's too. You know, your fiancee is getting married to someone that she/he shouldn't and you, realizing your love for them, run ALL THE WAY TO THE CHURCH to stop the wedding and appear exhausted, sweaty, and out of breath to confess the ultimate cheese fest. If you really loved the person, then you would A) Be the groom or bride. B) Don't be an asshole to cause the mad dash in the first place. C) Exercise if the rare occasion does happen. The Final Realization is the one where you realize that you love the person that you've always hated your entire life. If there's another person involved, then you are really living in a Rom-Com.

I blame Nicholas Sparks. He basically writes the same book anyway and fills teenage girl's heads with unrealistic and cliche plot lines about love and this and that. I'm not saying that you can't live in a Rom-Com, but if you don't want your relationship to end like Blue Valentine, then get your head out of the clouds people.

(I got those cliches from watchmojo. com by the way for any of you who are interested)

So, I hope you guys enjoy this semi-stupid holiday.

Happy Valentine's Day

For those of you who are single, Happy Sad Day. Don't make it sad! Nobody has to be alone!

:)

Adios Amigos,

Panchito

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**Thanks for reading this first entry in a new comedy series: "The World According to Panchito Pistoles" which focuses on his opinions on just about everything.**

**By the way, the Rom-Com cliches I did get from watching a YouTube video: "Top 10 Romantic Comedy Cliches" on the watchmojo . com channel. Check it out. **

**Happy Valentine's Day.**


	2. Music

**Everything Wrong With Music**

Music is stupid.

Yes, that's on how I'm going to start these.

Basically music these days is auto tune, electronics, and horrible, nonsensical lyrics. Let's look at some of them shall we?

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Lady Gaga's _Applause_:

Lyrics:

_I've overheard your theory "nostalgia's for geeks"_

_I guess sir, if you say so, some of us just like to read_

What?

"Some of us just like to read"

That's what she says there.

"Some of us just like to read"

No shit Sherlock.

This:

_(A-P-P-L-A-U-S-E) Make it real loud_

and this:

_A-R-T-P-O-P_

She must think we're stupid. Congratulations! You know how to spell two words, and one of them you made up! Yay! (Golf claps) I'm _soo_ happy for you.

If you have to SPELL OUT WORDS then you must think we're dumb.

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Coldplay, _Paradise_:

There's nothing wrong lyrically with this song except for one thing:

_She dreamed of para-para-paradise. _

In my head:

_She dreamed of pair of pair of, pair of dice. _

Pair of dice. A simple slur matter but nothing more. Stay out casinos kid, gambling is no bueno at your age. No alcohol either, if I hear that you've been drinking, I'm not going to be a happy Sriracha bottle (oh the visual pun).

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Capital Cities, _Safe and Sound_:

I love this song but it sounds like they're in a warzone.

Lyrics:

_I could fill your cup_

_You know my river won't evaporate_

_This world we still appreciate_

_You could be my luck_

_Even in a hurricane of frowns_

_I know that we'll be safe and sound_

_Safe and sound_

_We're safe and sound_

_Safe and sound_

_We're safe and sound_

_Hold your ground_

_We're safe and sound_

_Safe and sound_

_I could show you love_

_In a tidal wave of mystery_

_You'll still be standing next to me_

_You could be my luck_

_Even if we're six feet underground_

_I know that we'll be safe and sound._

Let's overanalyze this for a moment (hint, hint).

_You know my river won't evaporate_

_This world we still appreciate_

Um...that's a big reference to pollution.

_You could be my luck_

_Even in a hurricane of frowns_

_I know that we'll be safe and sound_

That's every natural disaster ever.

_We're safe and sound_

_Hold your ground_

_We're safe and sound_

_Safe and sound_

No you're not! The zombies are coming! The zombies are coming! Screw Paul Revere get the fuck out!

(Paul Revere didn't say "The British are coming!" because why would he? British were everywhere during his ride. Oh the public school system, how you incorrectly say things)

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David Guetta and Usher, _Without You_:

Lyrics:

_I can't win, I can't reign _

_I will never win this game without you, without you._

Solitaire, the only game you really can play by yourself.

_I am lost, I am vain,_

_I will never be the same_

_Without you, without you_

One, get a compass, two, you're not a werewolf, you're going to end up looking like the same, sad, lonely man with nothing to do.

_I won't run, I won't fly_

_I will never make it by_

_Without you, without you._

If you can't run then you need to lose weight because anyone can run if they really wanted to (like trying to chase your girlfriend's car as she is driving away from you, you creepy stalker). I take offense to the second remark sir. You'll be able to make it without flying, I had to for several years. You're still a sad and lonely man with nothing to do. Okay, got it.

_I can't rest, I can't fight_

_All I need is you and I,_

_Without you, without you._

Sleep insomnia?

Scream this over and over (with cotton in your mouth and fist in the air): Adrian!

You also need to breathe, eat, bathe, you can't copy off the Beatles with everything.

You're still lonely? Lo siento, I'd imagine after a minute and half of this you'd realize "Hey, this chick really doesn't want to be with me." But no, you're still running after the car, but wait, you can't run, and don't call on me to fly you there because I won't, so you're screwed dude.

(Skipping the repeating words here)

_Can't erase, so I'll take blame_

_But I can't accept that we're estranged_

_Without you, without you _

Are you writing this song with a pen? Switch to a pencil, you SHOULD take the blame because this song is ridiculous.

She probably has a restraining order on you so you're just wasting your time.

(Sighs) Ugh, do I really have to say it? Okay fine! You're a sad, lonely man with nothing to do who can't run, can't fly, can't really do anything because you're too busy complaining about how YOU MESSED UP. Get a life hombre. Seriously.

_I won't soar, I won't climb_

_If you're not here, I'm paralyzed_

_Without you, without you_

Again with the flying thing, dude, you just can't do it. You can't physically fly. Sure, airplanes but that doesn't really count. Don't call me, because I'll just drop your sorry ass into the Pacific. Climbing is overrated (especially when you can fly but since you can't do that...) No comment on the last part (offensive) and you are still lonely. Are you fucking kidding me! You're STILL alone? Just...just...I'm done here. Moving on.

* * *

Maroon 5, _Payphone_:

_I'm at a payphone trying to call home_

_All of my change I spent on you_

Okay so apparently somewhere on the West Coast of the United States is the last payphone in the world. Watch closely as Adam Lavine tries to put a quarter in it. (It doesn't work)

_Where have the times gone? Baby, it's all wrong_

_Where are the plans we made for two?_

You missed your dinner reservations because you were too busy visiting the Telecommunications Museum that nobody goes to (because it doesn't exist).

_Yeah, I, I know it's hard to remember_

_The people we used to be._

_It's even harder to picture,_

_That you're not here next to me._

Are you high? LSD? Marijuana? Do you live in the state of Washington? No? Then you have memory loss.

_You say it's too late to make it,_

_But is it too late to try?_

_And in our time that you wasted_

_All of our bridges burned down_

In the words of OneRepublic: "I want you to burn my bridges down, I want you to burn my bridges down, set me on fire!"

_I've wasted my nights,_

_You turned out the lights_

_Now I'm paralyzed._

_Still stuck in that time_

_When we called it love_

_But even the sun sets in paradise._

So, you got high, she punched you in the face, you can't move and you're in a _Back to the Future_ movie playing dice with Chris Martin.

(Skipping chorus)

_If "Happy Ever After" did exist,_

_I would still be holding you like this._

Wow, you're a buzzkill to my company. Thanks Adam. You're a real pal. Holding you like what? In a weird creepy way that causes you to cry.

(Skipping a few verses)

_Yeah, yeah, now baby don't hang up,_

_So I can tell you what you need to know,_

_Baby I'm begging you just please don't go,_

_So I can tell you what you need to know_

Too late, she's gone dude, while you were saying don't hang up, that's what she did. You just got disowned, dumped, bamboozled, in other words, you're a sad lonely man with nothing to do. Just like David Guetta and Usher. Go hang out with them.

* * *

That's all I got for today.

Remember, if you're alone because your girlfriend/boyfriend dumped you yesterday or because you're coming to terms with the fact that you're engaged (congratulations for those of you were are) then don't listen to music. Watch a movie instead. Or do anything except for

(Dodger comes in)

Dodger: Hey Panch, whatcha doing?

Finishing a blog post

Dodger: Oh, hey internet how's it hangin'?

Great, now say hello and then goodbye

(Dodger, being a dog, licks computer screen)

Gross

Dodger: Hey I'm a dog, what did you expect me to do?

(Sighs as if annoyed) Adios amigos.

-Panchito

P.S. I take suggestions for topics. My next topic will be books. (Paperback, Hardback, E-Books, Classic Books, Children's Books, YA, and of course, Fanfiction-about me)

See you then

:)

* * *

**Yes, I will behave as if Panchito were a real person, even though I am fully aware that he is a cartoon character, I am behaving as if he exists. Putting acting skills in literary format. Thank you Stanislavsky! (The person who defined 'method acting' and is taught in every single acting class in the world).**** I am taking an acting class right now. **


	3. Books

**Books**

Books are stupid.

Correction, books aren't stupid, people who read them are stupid, not all of them, but most of them, a good deal of them, about 65% of Americans, that's not a lot. There's still...30ish % left that aren't complete idiots. I'm not good at math okay. Just know that people are dumb when it comes to books.

I'm going to start with the most mis-interrupted book in the entire universe:

**"The Hunchback of Notre-Dame"**

Who is by?

It's not Disney.

If you say Disney, you're wrong. You're just wrong. There's no debate about it, you're just wrong. Also, you lose your Living Card- because you are just too dumb to live.

But for those of you who seriously do not know who wrote this book, it's Victor Hugo. He's French. He's also pretty awesome, but it's like 1831 awesome, but it's still pretty awesome.

So, what is this book about?

If you say it's about Quasimodo, then you are also wrong.

It's about the Cathedral. Notre-Dame de Paris.

How do I know this? You could be saying all these things you say? Well you're wrong. It's not about him. I know it's called "The Hunchback of Notre-Dame" but, wait, it's not even called that.

The real name of this book is "Notre-Dame de Paris".

Well, then why is called "The Hunchback of Notre-Dame"? Because like everything else in the world, Europeans messed it up.

Adapatations of Notre-Dame de Paris:

All of them- Wrong.

I'm serious. They are all wrong.

The book has two very characters in it, that the Disney version left out. Pierre Gringore and The Recluse (aka Esmeralda's madre) They're pretty important to the story and they're just not there.

Also Clopin . My favorite character in the whole book is...a jester. Really? The King of Truands is a jester? Really? Wow. They could've come up with something better for him, like oh I don't know a THIEF. You know cause that's what he is. A thief, and don't say that "Disney doesn't have thieves." because we do. Aladdin, Every Single Member of the Forty...THIEVES.

That's FORTY-ONE thief characters. Why did we stop there? Why not make it an even number? 42. Nice. Even. Number. I like even numbers, except for 3, we can leave that one alone.

**Twilight**

There are so many things that I do NOT like about this that I'm just going to say that I don't have a single thing to say about it that's good.

**Children's Literature (Otherwise Known as The Stuff You Read in Elementary School)**

In general basically, all children's lit is:

Dr. Seuss

Poor Imitations of Dr. Seuss

That's it.

**E-Books**

Are awesome.

They save paper, time, money, and when you get bored you instantly have entertainment somewhere else without having to close the book, move your body towards a computer screen, clicking random buttons that you to somewhere where you really don't want to go and the joys of mature internet content.

The only problem with e-books: it ironically takes away paper.

All of my classic literature is paperback. Books that I've had for years...are now safely tucked away in a box in the middle of the room with newspapers and a phone on top of it. I currently live an apartment because Terry kicked me out and I have become a sad rooster- oh, I'll have to go back to Sriracha sauce bottle modeling (cry)

Fight back the tears old man!

Fight back the tears!

Books, books, books, books...they make me cry at the end! I have never finished a book ever in my life because I just didn't want it to end. I'd cry if I ever do because then I'd say something like this:

"What do I do with my life now?"

Sad face for paper :(

Oh well, there's always the oh no...not that...not the...ugh...Young Adult Novel.

**The Young Adult Novel**

Are the same, boring, teen romance (Twilight) that have no plot development (Twilight), no originality (Twilight) and no interest to me (Twilight).

But seriously, YA's aren't my thing. I just don't like them. They just scream twelve year old girl gossip. It's just...no.

**Fanfiction (About Me):**

Thank you for writing about me. It means so much! I feel like a little girl screaming about Justin Bieber or something. I know that was a terrible analogy but it was made okay. I have an experience for some reason being portrayed (a lot by the way) as gay with Donal' and Jose.

When did this happen?...Ever?

I honestly don't care, because it's you know, like...one time okay, it happened one time, but I'm straight I promise...maybe.

You see, I'm keeping with the cannon created for me. It's called appeasement. I'm appeasing you right now. Is it working? No?

How about now?

Now?

Now?

Now?

IS IT WORKING NOW!

Why aren't you saying anything- you're not talking to me, it's starting to

(Shake computer) WHY DON'T YOU FUCKING ANSWER ME YOU ARE TERRIBLE PEOPLE, I'M ALONE IN A SMALL ROOM WITH NOTHING BUT A CREEPY POSTER OF JOHN TRAVOLTA IN _SATURDAY NIGHT FEVER_ THAT I GOT FROM A YARD SALE BECAUSE IT WAS SOMETHING TO PUT UP ON THE WALL, AND I HATE THAT MOVIE! YOU PEOPLE ARE TERRIBLE CONVERSATIONALISTS!

(Terry walks in as I'm screaming)

Terry: Panchito!

(I turn around and give a sheepish smile)

Si?

Terry: You're screaming like it's the end of the world.

Because it is.

Terry: What?

(I smile)

Hey John!

John (from the hallway): Yes?

Terry said the word!

John runs into the room.

John (doing a Sam L. Jackson impression): Say what again!

Terry (rolls eyes as if annoyed): What

John (continues): Say what again!

Terry: What!

John (looks at me): Hey do you have a burger?

Sure.

I gotta provide prop comedy for these guys.

But seriously, I'm flattered about the fanfiction stuff. It makes me feel like I still exist, because you know, since I don't show up on Disney anything anymore, it's kind of like I'm dead so that's for the resection- you guys are true amigos you know. Seriously, Caballero type material.

I'll see you later.

I take suggestions for blog posts. Just PM this guy right here. He'll contact me and let me know. He and I are real good pals.

Please. Speak. Your. Mente (Mind). Suggestions are a good thing.

Adios Amigos,

Panchito

:)

**Seriously he needs suggestions.**


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